So the final trip of the year is on us and people are converging upon Luton Airport from various corners of the country. We’re heading to Malta and Gozo
Once arrived at the airport we begin the process of checking in, something Jessie appears to love as she queues at least four times leading to the first booking of the trip . Davs has failed to pack efficiently and is booked for being over encumbered and Archi falls in love with a security man as he is patted down .
After a quick trip through duty free for some breakfast we board our Ryanair flight and quickly book it for being the most expensive low budget airline . The crew are not much better and are booked for being unenthusiastic about our safety . The flight itself is without event until we leave the aircraft, whereupon the lesbians standing between Davs and Arvin enthusiastically offer up a massive PDA .
We head through Malta in a minibus taxi taking in the sights and somehow talking about naked Finnish men leading to Arji’s first booking . Upon arriving at our accommodation we check out the local area and stumble upon a rather eclectic store owned by Jumbo where we stock up on some essentials such as wine. Next stop is the local beach where we are told by the locals we can’t go swimming as there are jellyfish in the water but we ignore them and go swimming anyway. After that it’s dinner time and we are enticed by a 10% off for students deal however the restaurant has dodgy shit food . Before bed Archi blocks the toilet with a massive poo and Arvin is booked for a lack of bookings and decides to argue the point .
Our first day of diving! We start with a chilled out shake down dive at Xwenja Bay and quickly learnt that Arji is prone to excessive faff and our instructor Graham gets a Niko-esq “fucking boxes” booking . Archi somehow forgets his regs and Arji leaves his finserts in and forgets to turn his GoPro on . The second dive of the day is at the Blue Hole which was promptly booked for being too far away . Katie manages to drop her mask in the Blue Hole before flashing the fishies (and any divers below).
Back at the flats we decide to cook dinner and head to the local supermarket which immediatly gets booked for being thieving bastards after they gypped Davs on his change. Davs is booked for not checking his change . After dinner it’s time for a drink and hearing there’s a cheap cocktail bar around we head there, helpfully it has colouring books so Jessie, Katie and Arji are kept entertained as they prove they are better at colouring than a 5 year old and Rob proves he can colour between the lines . Graham turns up with a blonde lady in tow and Arvin immediately steals his date .
For the morning dive we head to Cathedral Cave, a dive site who’s entrance is down 1,000,000 steps . Davs is now using a 15l cylinder due to being a gas huffing hoe . Archi attempts to breath through his snorkel at 7m and while in the cave he leaves his camera behind and our divemaster Mike gets lost but argues he was looking for barracuda . The second dive of the day is at Reqqa and we take some eggs down with us to play around with, Rob decides to decorate his with a Sharpie but ends up drawing a tampon . Despite the fact it is our fourth dive Arji is still being irritatingly slow at kitting up and Katie is still complaining about her mask fogging up . We round off the days diving with some cliff jumping.
Graham persuades us to head to a local pizza bar he knows for dinner which proves to be a great plan as the wine is cheap and plentiful.
Today we head out on a boat for our first and only wreck dive, Archi forgets his weights and Arvin is slower than Arji . Katie is suffering from a drinking problem but makes up for it by having a knob between her legs . The wreck is the P31 and we found some very pretty nudibranchs. The second dive is to Santa Maria Caves, a shallow dive but spectacular.
Tonight is BBQ night! We head back to the Blue Hole for more food than we could possibly eat. Back at the flats, Archi has locked us out by forgetting the key but Rob saves the day by breaking in , he then manages to rack up a series of additional bookings for spillage without lickage, being too ghetto, triple booking, being a fucking pansy. and for a quintuple booking . Katie amuses herself with some DIY rubbing breaking Robs streak but Rob pulls it back with some premature creaming .
It’s back to the Blue Hole again! This time we are diving the Inland Sea. Archi forgets his weights again , as does Davs . Archi also destroys his fins underwater . The afternoon dive is at Middle Finger a massive pinnacle. The road is booked for a lack of road and Graham is booked for being slower than Arji . Davs suffers mask hallucinations before realising he left his mask at the Blue Hole . After a quick dinner we head out to Mgaar Ix-Xini for a night dive, a couple of other divers are joining us and camera guy is booked for being an obstructive jerk .
After a busy day we still manage time for drinks, Arji attempts to steal Grahams date (again) and Arvin is booked for the gayest dancing of the week while wearing his gayest shorts .
Our final day of diving is upon us! We head out to Ta-Cenc to look for sea horses. Graham is a master seahorse finder finding several hiding in the grass. In the afternoon we decide to take a look around Gozo’s capital Victoria. Gozo’s buses are always late but the Citadel is very pretty and its a fun afternoon.
We end the day with a trip back to Malta on the ferry to stay the night in a hostel. Archi didn’t book us a transfer and the buses on Malta seem to take forever. We finally got there and we headed out for some dinner before collapsing in our beds for the night.
The day started with a trip out for breakfast pancakes, but lead to Katie gobbling Arji’s sausage with Rob . Kate decided she would leave us for some afternoon delight so we rented some cars for the day and headed to the Popeye Village. Arji managed to cockblock Popeye and ended up adding Olive on Facebook , we were then told off by staff as they seemed to dislike us playing on the slides in the kiddy pool .
By the time we got back it was time for dinner so we parked up the cars and Davs was booked for having zero spatial awareness and deciding “fuck da police” before driving away . After dinner we got ready for a night on the town with Rob choosing an outfit like a woman changing at least six times. While we were out Jessie decided the way to get free shots was by stepping on glass and cried womanly tears to cap it all off.
The end of the holiday! We drove to the airport and dropped off the cars with Rob staying behind for an extra day in the sun . All in all, a great trip and special thanks go to Atlantis Diving and Graham and Mike for looking after us.
Written by Davs Brander
